I spent the majority of the morning on the sofa, crying under my duvet, because the floor wouldn’t stop moving.
Cancelled my 3pm meeting with Peter.
Did manage to get a bath eventually though.
Also, haven’t been able to eat all day, aside from 3 slices of cheese and some chocolate I snaffled at breakfast, which was 12 hours ago.
I’ve been so confused all day, cannot grasp anything. Just had a minor argument with Jonny because I felt like he was mocking my confusion. My words aren’t coming out right or making sense and I can’t take anything in at all. I keep having him repeat things 3 or more times and I still can’t understand what he’s saying to me. It’s like a foreign language. He’s only chatting to me or asking basic questions and I’m mind fucked. Words feel so strange and unfamiliar. It’s beyond ridiculous how bad it is today.
Now I’m sat here, feeling shit, I cannot wait to go to bed and sleep away a few crappy hours, before all this shit starts again tomorrow…
This has crap all to do with my last post, but I just went on a mini amazon shopping spree to try and pick my mood up a little. I decided to buy some of my favourite films (seeing as my pc is slowly failing and I don’t want to re DL them when I finally get new pc) and their paperback counterparts, seeing as I needed some new books. Hopefully I’ll be able to buy more soon and build up a collection! (I’m looking at you, Prozac Nation DVD!)
I got -
Can’t wait for them to come, I’ll probably have to wait for my mood to pick up a little before I attempt to read the books, seeing as my concentration is shot at the minute, but I can definitely watch the dvds! (Even though I’ve seen them all a ton of times, idc!) IKOAFS (first two items) is, just, ugh, idk I love it!
I’ll post tomorrow for sure, to finally explain ITT-gate… promise…
Today has been fucked up and weird.
My head is a lot calmer than before, when I was manic, but now there’s space, it’s filled with suicidal ideations and black thoughts. I feel slowed down, sluggish, tired. Physically my head hurts, I’m lethargic and I feel sick. I’m hungry all the time, but get stomach pains after eating anything. My eyes feel like they can’t focus. Depression is so all consuming. It’s so big mentally, it seeps into my physical being. I just want to sleep through this and wake up in time for my next manic episode.
Time is going so-o-o slowly. It’s only been 2 days (technically 3 now, since it’s nearly 4am) since I started my rapid decline into this rotten pit, but fuck it feels like a month has passed already. My highs fly by in a whirlwind of ideas, plans, goals, creativity, chipper babbling and love, whilst my lows drag on, seemingly endlessly, black, a tunnel stretching for thousands of miles, keening screams, tears, desperation, pain, flight mode kicks in.
Okay, I know, I’m idealising my highs, I spend too much money, get bat shit crazy ideas, get stupidly angry and violent over the tiniest things, I crave alcohol/drugs, I’m even more non compliant with meds etc etc etfrickingcetera. I know. I really do. But man it seems so heavenly, compared to this. I know logically, 2 weeks and I’ll be back there, but right now those 2 weeks seem laughable. 2 weeks of this? How can I survive? How could anyone survive this? The idea of even another minute of this makes me want to claw the inside of my skull in terror, let me out, let me out, please.
I wish I had something that could save me.
Morning Tumblr, or should I say ‘Afternoon’? -.- Yes, that’s right, my sleep schedule is well and truly fucked up again, I slept 4am - 4pm. At least I got my 12 hours, right? Heh.
Still feeling very low and suicidal. I’m struggling a fair bit. Feeling quite irritable too. Finding it hard to concentrate and make even simple decisions. Deciding what to have for dinner is anxiety attack worthy. But alas, my stupid Doctor is on bloody holiday and thanks to moving, I don’t even know where to call in an ‘emergency’ aside from the local Hospital… which is less than appealing.
I feel like I have no options, no choices.
My only salvation is shopping. I had a few more things arrive this morning, which perked me up for an hour while I opened and organised my new things, but the satisfaction I get from it has a very short half life (lol, med humor).
I might try and play on the xbox with some friends and attempt to go for a walk later tonight. None of this sounds fun right now, but I can’t sit in my own head anymore. I’ll post again later, hopefully I’ll be feeling a tad better.
I feel like I’ve totally crashed. I feel on the edge of tears and I feel extremely suicidal.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
My Doctor is so overworked, that she fucked off for a 2 week holiday. Now I have no way of checking up on my refferal. Great. 2 weeks of anxiety and wondering. Woo hoo!
Feeling extremely pessimistic and somehow, vague, today. I don’t feel overly depressed, but the ‘happiness’ is definitely gone.
I’m dipping my toe in the depression sea. The waves are coming. I hope I drown this time. Breathing underwater is just so damn painful, when you don’t have gills.
So I’m definitely feeling depressed now. I feel tearful, fuddled, anxious and worthless. I want to get drunk, get high, party. Anything to keep hold of the ‘good feelings’. In reality, I will do none of these things.
I don’t know if this is my mood turning, or just a ‘bad night’. I’m wondering if my mood has been tapering off a little today and yesterday? I really don’t know. Guess I’ll wait and see.
It’s not like I have any other choice.
I must be truly insane.
Today has been a little different, I’ve felt really numb all morning, as the day has gone on though I’ve started to feel really irritable and on edge, so I’m expecting a mood swing any day now. Not feeling too tired, slept through until 7am this morning from 8.30pm last night, never managed to get back to sleep after my 2.30am wake up. I have been feeling very anxious though, but I think that’s situational, rather than mood based.
I decided to go ahead with my phone appointment with Dr. Fox tomorrow, to discuss treatment etc. I think not knowing exactly what’s going to be said/what’s going to happen is bugging me, hence said anxiety. I’m just so sick of stopping and starting my meds and therapy all the time, I’ve been doing it for 4 years+ now and I still somehow expect to ‘get better’ and remain stable. I don’t know who I’m kidding to be honest. I know more about Bipolar than most med students and yet I act as though it’s going to fix itself. I just hope something good comes out of her calling me, I don’t know how much longer I can continue.
Other than that mini rant, my day wasn’t anything special, I painted my nails, kept my hands busy for a while, watched a film, another MI based one, called The edge of innocence. It was pretty good actually, worth a watch.
I think that’s about all I have to say for now… I’ll post again tomorrow morning, after speaking with le doctor, let anyone who gives a rats ass know what was said etc.
Hope everyone who reads this is well. xo
Still up, went to sleep around 1pm yesterday, woke at 11:30pm last night, been up since. It’s nearly 7am. Feeling very very low today, I’m struggling. Shall try to post properly later. Hope everyone else is well.